a post almost forgotten...

someone once told me that at certain points of our lives, God does something significant. i looked through the post that i had written a few years ago. there's one particular post that seems to resonate within my heart now more than the time when it was written. strange but i think i didn't have the full understanding of the whole poem then...

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Sunday, November 14, 2004:

Love Restored (The Lord’s Embrace)
When grief strikes my wounded heart
When darkness clouds my vision
When tears is my sustenance
And words lose their meaning

In a still small voice
You bring me into the desert
Into the dryness of my soul
You pour Your living water
To quench my longing thirst
To wash my broken body
To heal my grievous wounds

You silence the loudness around me
And embrace me in Your arms
So closely, so tenderly
I feel the heartbeat of the One I love
Every beat healing the hurt within

Nothing else appeals to me
You captured my heart once again
You lift my countenance
And breathe in me new life
You said, "I am yours and you are Mine"
Such words, beyond my comprehension

Now I am lovesick
My heart burns within me
Drowning in the River of Fire
Dancing in the River of Love
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The healing started to take place from 2006 onwards...i had this properly refined in 2004. i cudn't remember when was the first draft. Strange...yet amazed...

Thank You... :)

i'm back...

well...welcome 2009 :)

I know new year had passed but my last post was Dec 2006...that's what I was trying to say, entering into a new year and leaving behind the two years of silence.

I read my previous post, sat back and recap the little happenings in my life and i could feel the warmth and my heart muttering "the road has not been easy but we made it through...what can I say but thank You."

The past years had been the most insane and the most exciting phase so far in my life. The last post still applies today and I know it will in the future. I've been in situations where I could relate with Jacob. Wrestling with Papa ain't no fun. It would leave you with chest pain, sleepless nights and panda eyes. Sometimes I do think that my eyes looked more tired than they should. It was partly because of the uncountable buckets of tears that I shed. Really i'm a crying baby...but not that kind of nuisance. But when i'm helpless, tears are the first ones that come accompany me. Try burying yourself in the blanket and cry for hours if you don't believe. Because of these experiences, they sort of left a physical 'mark' on my eyes just like Jacob's limp on his hips when he wrestled with God.

I'd never felt so helpless and incontrollable in my life before. But in such state, I was taken to play a part in Papa's film. Yes, I had no experience in acting and I think no director would ever want someone as blur as me to be on his film unless he's looking for a blur cast which in this case I think He probably was or may be He made a mistake...hmmm...Well, I think I could trust on this Director lah. He really took on His role. All I needed to do was to follow His directions. His scenes were very unpredictable though. There were no solid scripts or pre-planned story boards. Very different style of directing...Sometimes I thought I got it but when the scenes took place, He threw me into surprises. They came out as much better outcomes than I could have thought. I was chosen to cast in different roles and characters. Sometimes, I got to play in the big part and I got all the goodies. There were times that I was reluctant to play especially in the humiliating cast (if there is such word). Pardon my poor english.

Silence was not bad after all. When I shut up, I still hear something. At first, it was soft and a little tainted. Then, it built up so loud even in my loudest wail, I could hear it. It's the sound of His presence and inner voice.

Okay I think it's quite an accomplishment for me to write this length of post after two years of silence. Actually it wasn't totally silence. I wrote mostly in my personal journal. Oh btw it's already early morning. Catch up some sleep first..

lose...

where do u you think this whirlwind's bringing you to?
tearing your mind and soul
quit striving, stop fighting
don't risk getting carried by the pool of desires
lose and you'll gain
do you supposed that I don't care an inch?
what I give in love is far better than anything else you'll find
quit playing in the field, stop meddling in My way
hit bottom and pour your heart out
a broken and a contrite spirit I will not despise
get down on your knees
it's the only way to get back on your feet
say a Yes
to the great I AM whom you have known
trust the mysterious One
working behind scenes of perfect will
tears're blinding you from the truth
pain's shouting for breakthrough
yet I will make a way out
in your weakness
I will make you whole once again.

Being a grown up & growing up

Being a grown up isn’t as much fun as growing up
More expectation on you
More responsibilities
First to set example
First to be blamed
First to decide
First to disappoint
Whatever it is
As you grow up
You can’t help but be a grown up one day!

the unpleasant journey..the uninvited gift

i look to the back
a road filled with thorns and thistles
no, i don't want to backtrack
i look ahead
it's too far, beyond reach

i pause
my feeble feet
they are too heavy to carry on
weariness overcomes me
darkness illuding me

i cry and i cry
where are you, Lord?
i don't understand
the unpleasant journey
the uninvited gift of pain
the unwanted place of waiting

yet the safest place
where i taste Your familiar touch again
deep calls to deep
no utterance of words
if there is one
TRUST it is.